This is totally babies — hold the presses

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therobotmonster
therobotmonster

The TMNT Post-Apocalyptic Raphael Story

I didn’t much care for TMNT 2017′s post apocalyptic tale for several reasons. 

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One of which is turtle hair. The others include Donnie being basically himself in a robot body (A next-gen Metalhead with an AI based on his “father” that Raph treats as Donnie would have been more, well, post-apocalyptic), and Mikey/Leo’s roles being too obvious (would have been more interesting for Leo to find peace in the goofy, hippy-dippy lifestyle of his brother once his whole world vanished and for Mikey to thrive in the new environment as he does in Dimension-X), the fact that the oasis map is clearly a subway map and no one, not even Mikey, brings this up, and.. well, because it doesn’t really compare very favorably to what probably didn’t inspire it, but ought to have. 

In the original release of Road Hogs, a TMNT: After the Bomb supplement for the Palladium TMNT and Other Strangeness RPG, we get a nine page minicomic, where the titular Road Hogs decide to raid a mutant settlement. As you can see above, it features a wizened Raphael and his young pupils, and here we see what could have been the root of a really good mini-series. Bonuses:

  • While obviously a different mutant breed than Raphael, the Turtle boys (and girl, maybe?) and their sensei all lack hair (not letting that go).
  • Raphael’s age means the apocalypse could have happened at any point along the way, meaning the canon fate of all the characters you know from the show doesn’t have to be dying or being corrupted in a mutagenic apocalypse. The war could have happened when they were older, they could have had many adventures after the big boom before time caught up with them, etc.
  • Raphael becoming a teacher like Splinter is character development, him still being an angry loner is stasis. 

So here, for your approval, is a different take on Raphael beyond the world’s end.

twotone

The turtle hair thing bothered me too, although that sent me down a rabbit hole of “wait, the TMNT have teeth, normal turtles don’t have teeth, do they?” and other horrors.

I briefly wondered if it was supposed to be a reference to Minogame (uh, no English Wikipedia page, but I did find a mention on the English Wikipedia entry on cultural depictions of turtles) but… no. Probably not.

therobotmonster

I think part of it is the oddness of the young turtles not having any hair (no eyebrows, no hair on the top of the head, no scraggly teenage semi-stubble) and the whole hair = mammal thing being a strong enough to feel wrong, even in the face of lost digits and gained teeth. 

It just feels like this:

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. 

itswalky

I DISAGREE

I mean, I haven’t seen an episode of Turtles for probably several years now, so who cares about my opinion, except this:

I don’t care if the Ninja Turtles don’t have hair as teenagers, or if it makes no sense for non-mammals to have hair.  I don’t care if they are even definitively said to not be able to grow hair in the cartoon otherwise.

But a super-old Raphael should have a scraggly beard.

I don’t care if it doesn’t make sense.

He should have a scraggly old beard.

He’s a cartoon animal.  Like his teeth and … presumably warm-bloodedness, he has whatever human traits sell him for the story.  And if he’s old, he should have a beard.

And Raphael’s not even the least logical cartoon nonmammal cartoon creature to have grown a beard to signify oldness.

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and you know what, when IDW first put alpha trion into their comics and decided it didn’t make sense for him to have a beard and so gave him some weird kerchief instead, THAT WAS DUMB

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so give raphael a beard

give alpha trion a beard

give all the cartoons beards

don’t bring me your but-biology receipts

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