Y’know, I reeeeeally feel like mid Friday through Sunday morning is only two days.
(UPDATE: For Pewwer42, Matthew 12:40: “For as Jonah was three days and three nights in the belly of a huge fish, so the Son of Man will be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth.”)
Jewish folks count days as being from sundown to sundown, so being put in on Friday afternoon (before the Sabbath begins at sundown) through Sunday morning is barely two days.
Here’s the whole goddamned horrible and amazing Easter thing we got in the mail all in one post. I think World Harvest Church does this just to force Jesus Christ back from the sky early to topple their tables. It must be a huge temptation for Him.
But He won’t, because He doesn’t want to get Resurrection Seed all over His face.
One last thought — I just now got the double meaning of “the ultimate giveaway.” At least I hope that’s supposed to be a(n extremely tacky) double meaning. It is distinctly possible nobody at that church realizes what Easter celebrates. Hrm. Upon further reflection, I’m not sure what possibility is worse.
Now here’s the money shot. … which is an unfortunate yet amazingly apt choice of words because the back of this mailing advertises the World Harvest Church’s AFTERGLOW SERVICE! I seriously cannot make this shit up, it is so insane. I think this mailer was written by Rick Santorum’s campaign manager.
But, yes. An Afterglow Service.
To follow, you know, the expulsion of your Resurrection Seed.
Anyway, pizza and junk food will be served.
Remember, as I stated when I posted the cover, this thing is for a church.
So this is the inside of the mailing. You open it up, and there’s this huge downpour of sweetass electronics and goodies you can get by attending their Easter service. What can you win?
1) A car! A CAR! Okay, a 2009 car, but still a damn fuckin’ car.
2) 46” flat-screen! So, uh, you can watch… Ben Hur on it…?
3) Apple iPad! Celebrate the death and resurrection of our Lord and Savior with a game of Angry Birds!
4) $500 Walmart gift card! Seriously, Happy Easter.
5) HP Laptop computer! …this should probably be a wee more specific.
6) etc etc
It goes on. There’s bikes! Video games! FIFTY THOUSAND CANDY-FILLED EGGS! The World Harvest Church is launching single-handedly a War on Easter and with no outside help whatsoever IT IS WINNING.
Oh, and I guess shoved down near the bottom is an image of a guy praying, because there’s a Good Friday Service.
…a good Friday Service where you will be sowing your resurrection seed.
I have a new euphemism.
So this was my birthday present from my buddy Steve-o. And believe me, this thing was awesome. It came in the mail, and he just had to share with me.
This is the front.
Why is this thing so awesome? Well, for starters, it took me about two whole minutes to realize this thing was for A CHURCH.
More. There will be more. CONTENTS.